Guilty Gut

Feeling guilty about having second baby

Becoming a mom is eye-opening, and the cliché is true that my love knows no bounds when it comes to my son. However, no one actually tells you just how much work it’s going to be – when you become a mom. Oh sure, everyone says, be prepared for your life to change forever, and they weren’t wrong. But no one specifically tells you how exhausted and overwhelming it can be, and they certainly don’t tell you that you will have wildly irrational thoughts about giving your kid away to the mailman, FedEx guy, or practically any other stranger who shows up at your door. So it’s when my child is at his naughtiest and he’s sitting in his third timeout that day that I think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to just have one. Mars doesn’t really need a sibling and so what if he grows up not having to share all of his toys? It’s not like it’s the end of the world for him or anyone else. But then I can hear that little voice in my head. It’s the voice of my expectations, my family’s desires, and society’s disapproval – what do you mean you only want one? Do you want to raise a spoiled brat? Don’t you want a little girl? Honestly, I do want more children. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if we’re doing the right thing by aggressively pursuing another baby. Shouldn’t I be thankful for what we’ve got? And just how smart is it to use potential funds for one baby at the expense of another? Guilt rolls around in my gut along with trepidation and fear. I sometimes wish my gut would shut the hell up.

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