Doubts

So my world has been rocked by this miscarriage. Not only are we having to deal with the emotions of losing a baby, I’m also struggling with my beliefs about pregnancy in general. No longer am I naïve about the certainty of carrying a baby to term or the unbridled joy associated with a pregnancy. Now, I am downright petrified of getting pregnant again. What if we get pregnant and have to go through a miscarriage again? How will I handle the upheaval to our lives twice? Pregnancy has become a land mine, where you get a beautiful, healthy baby or you get remorse. And for me, any future pregnancy will be a hellish roller coaster ride full of stress and anxiety while I outwardly pretend to be happy. I am not sure if that is something I can do or even want to do. At this point in our lives, so soon after our loss, I am having serious doubts about pursuing one more baby.

13 responses to “Doubts”

  1. I am so sorry you have to face these horrible feelings. It’s just not fair. My prayer is that you make the best decision for your family, whatever that means for your future. Wishing you a great Christmas! Hopefully some holiday time will help heal the heart. I am so so sorry

    1. Thank you for your prayers and kind words. Merry Christmas to you too!

  2. I don’t know if this sounds cold, but I’ve now had 3 miscarriages and I, like you originally thought “how many times can I really go through this?”… but it does get easier. They get easier. Every single one hurts but i believe the end game is what keeps us going. Of course the decision is yours.. and u def shouldn’t rush it, but my personal opinion is that a baby is so worth all the hurt it takes to make it there.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will definitely consider your words when it comes time to decide on doing another transfer. I really appreciate you reaching out.

      1. We just gotta try stay positive…it’s the only thing that keeps me wanting to go back! 🙂

        Have a lovely Christmas 🙂

  3. I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I can only imagine how you must feel. After my first miscarriage, I felt so much the same. Wondering why I seemed to be the only one who had to struggle through it while all my friends and family seemed to easily progress pregnancys without problem. After my second, I was in such a deep depression I wasn’t sure how to get out. But the hope and faith of my husband and my own inner voice helped me pull through and after my third positive pregnancy test, he stuck and we were blessed with a beautiful little boy. I know the pain and agony of trying to move forward but there is always hope! Best of luck to you and your family.

    1. I am so happy to hear that you guys got a beautiful baby boy after all of your heartache. Thank you for sharing your story and for providing a little hope. I really appreciate it.

  4. So sorry you’re going through this. I just had my second a little over a month ago at 12 weeks. It is surprisingly easier this time. It’s harder approaching Christmas and with my 7 year old constantly reminding me how much he wishes the babies didn’t die while simultaneously beating on his 4 year old brother. Keeping busy helps SOOOOO much. Now that I’ve got most of the holiday stuff prepped there are more pockets of time that my mind ends up wandering. Still far easier than the first time at this stage. You form a callous. I’m probably crazy for trying again next summer, but once you survive it once you know you can again. I’m not saying it won’t hurt if it happens again. Time heals. Netflix and chocolate help. *hugs* Take lots of you time. You need it now more than ever.

    1. Hmtaylor, thank you so much for replying. It seriously gives me hope to hear (especially from multiple people) that even if it does happen again, the pain lessens over time. I am feeling hopeful.

  5. I absolutely get this feeling, I think I had it for several months and I’m ready now to try again…but it sure as hell is hard to get there. I think I’m ready to see a positive test again, but know that when I do I’m going to be scared out of my pants. Big hugs for you!

    1. Big hugs right back at you. I really admire your courage to try again. Have a wonderful holiday and good luck!

  6. It’s been over a year since we miscarried our first at 12weeks. It does get easier but it still hurts everyday. Sometimes I think giving up hope would make it easier- but I never do. The blogging community has really helped me cope with the pain by seeing and discussing with community of people going through similar situations. Be gentle on yourself – jay

    1. Thank you so much for replying Jay and sharing your experience about your own loss. I’m still struggling with the hope bit, but everyone’s replys are making it easier. Thank you.

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