I’m in a weird place right now. I am struggling with this pregnancy and figuring out how I should feel. On one hand, I recognize that I am indeed pregnant which is an achievement (especially for me), but this acknowledgement is eclipsed by the fact that I fully believe this pregnancy will end. I’m not quite sure how to change my mentality either. I had a blood draw this morning, and a small part of me actually hopes that the hcg value goes down. That way I can chalk this experience up to a chemical pregnancy and not have to suffer being “sorta” pregnant for the next month. But in my heart, I know better. I know this pregnancy is not going to be a chemical pregnancy. I know my number is going to double. So, I’m left with a precarious pregnancy and a lot of negative odds. I know that giving up is not the answer, but I’m flip flopping on how much hope to embrace. Do I try and convince myself that the pregnancy will be successful even though my history would suggest otherwise? Or do I simply acknowledge to myself that the pregnancy is not looking good, but stressing over the outcome will not help? I don’t know. . .I really don’t know anything at this point.

I suppose what I am going to do, regardless of how I feel, is try to do everything I can for this baby while I have him. Which means taking my progesterone shots like a big girl (which really hurt by the way) and to try not to stress out over every single thing. I know I need to accept the fact that I have zero control in this situation, but it’s hard. I think this pregnancy is going to be hard.