Um . . . I’m Pregnant!

I'm pregnant!

I think it’s finally starting to hit me. . . I’m pregnant. I mean, when I look at myself in the mirror, it’s clear that my belly is growing and that my boobs are getting bigger, but I have struggled to accept this pregnancy. From the beginning, my emotions have been unbalanced, my expectations have soared and faltered, and my anxiety has been a constant burden – all while I’m supposed to be deliriously happy.

*sigh*

I don’t know when I started harboring the delusional idea that becoming pregnant was going to suddenly make everything okay. Hah! Like anyone can be recklessly happy with a pregnancy coming off of the heels of a miscarriage, two years of infertility treatment, and large amounts of anxiety. Hell, even women who don’t go through infertility still struggle with accepting pregnancies due to other reasons. But I sincerely thought that my struggles would have zero impact on my emotions, and that by this point I would be bursting with joy and gratitude . . .

I do feel thankful. And my anxiety is starting to wane. But I still feel infertile. A tiny part of me still expects the other shoe to drop where the doctor has to sit me down and tell me the horrible news. Sadly, I don’t think that sensation will ever go away. . . but my joy is increasing. Everyday I feel a little bit more connected to the pregnancy and the idea of  holding this baby in my arms. And I know that things could still go wrong, but I have to officially admit to myself – I am pregnant!

One response to “Um . . . I’m Pregnant!”

  1. This absolutely sums up my emotions at the moment – yes I’m pregnant but I’m still infertile! I’m an IVF warrior – I don’t know how to be pregnant. Bought my first maternity jeans today and I look pregnant – I don’t know how to accept that! What is your due date?

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